I was just re-reading my last post about losing myself completely in Christ and realized just how badly I've failed over this last three months. I got swamped with my work at my job(s) and I let myself get exhausted and in exhaustion have been moody, sullen, isolative, a bad friend, a bad parent, a bad husband, and a bad witness for Jesus. Sure, I've continued to pray, go to church, etc.. but my heart hasn't been in it. Even worse, I've allowed myself to fall into the deep ditch of doubt.
Lately, I've worried that perhaps my salvation is in question. Maybe when I die, I'll be one of those that Jesus will tell "I never knew you". Even though I don't think I "do" enough, i.e. don't pray enough, don't read the Bible enough, don't give enough, don't witness enough, etc.. those are all things i think are relatively easy and I know how to do. But it's the building of a relationship with Jesus that for some reason I don't think I'm doing right. For some reason, I struggle with how to do that "right". I hope that this is just an attack by Satan that God will help me overcome. The fact that I worry about these things makes me think logically that I am sincere in my quest, but I often worry that God will not find me sincere enough. This would seem to mean that I am rejecting God's promises that His death, burial and rise from the grave combined with my profession of belief in Him and that I am a sinner and my request for Him to save me and enter my life is enough. I seem to think that it is all too easy. Surely there is more too it and I'm afraid I will find out later that, in fact, there was more to it and there was some key thing I didn't do. Perhaps I did not completely give myself to Christ. I'm sure I've held something back and this is going to keep me from eternity.
Well, all I can do is refuse to give up. I must re-assert my confidence in God's word and promise. I guess that a little doubt and a little worry and anxiety is good for keeping me from getting too complacent. Even if this worry and anxiety is from the evil one, as it most probably is, God has a habit of making good come of what the devil intends for evil. I will keep looking up and I'm sure in doing so I will find God's hand extended to me and He will pull me out of this ditch of doubt.
